simplifying life doesn't always equal clarity

people write about how simplifying life can bring out the joy in it.

clearing away the clutter allows for feeling the simple pleasure of life.

just now, i thought, "my clutter is pretty much clear, but where's the joy?"

I own a bag's worth of neccesities. 

i had read an article that was asking 'why do you do what you don't love?'

and i was thinking of what i really loved or wanted.

i think about the activities that, in the past, ive found joy in, but its not consistent. 

i can't bet my bottom dollar that i will stay happy if i get these things. 

what i seem to really want is feeling joy in living, in whatvever situation comes. 

without having to have any goal, and yet always feeling the amazingness of life.

because i dont know if ive really ever felt that. (and somewhere I believe that life 

is supposed to be awe-some and i'm just not seeing it)

it can sometimes seem as though it has mostly been one long awakeness

with varying shades of feeling sad, isolated and like suffering the feelings of 'what's the point of this,'

is what this ride is about.

i dont want joy to be dependent on anything I can come up with, because that just seems

like a recipe for never feeling it, because its limited to a certain, detailed set up that can never occur 

in the exact same way again.

can i help if joy appears to be limited to something my heart has dwelled on since before i could think it up?

for a long time, i must've thought it lay in a relationship. 

that total dropping away of personalities, just being with eachother, nothing else really mattered except 

experiencing living in this 'together' way. 

but that was rarely the case for longer than about an hour at a time. 

i thought if i could just find the right one, i'd consistently feel the joy in life. 

i've also thought that if i had a real career in singing, and songwriting,

that i'd consistently feel the joy in life because i'd be doing something i love all the time. 

it's a very logical conclusion. To notice where and when you seem to feel good,

and to set life up to have more of those situations.

i noticed i felt good when performing with others in "a chorus line", when being silly with close friends,

when loving a boy and holding his hand and lying with him and talking to him,

when being in the sun, when eating good fruit only, when dancing, when looking fit and tan, 

when singing with a group I really liked, when recording a great song, when writing,

when getting rid of things.

But can "I" really set up life and manipulate it to have more of these things that were originally 

a surprise or just a flowing natural occurence?

that's what most of my time went to for years. looking to get to more of what felt good.

it's such a scientifically logical idea. a biologically sensical idea to move toward what feels good,

away from what does not. Easy enough for a child to do.

i started losing steam because it wasnt really working- i either wasnt getting the things, 

or they werent feeling like i thought they would, or they wouldn't last.

so it felt like I was flailing around more now in the 'i don't know what to do, i don't know what i like' state.

life is just happening on a spontaneous ride, and it's flying beneath me, pushing me around

like they do with a host on SNL. The host has no idea where the next scene is, and it's taped live,

so there is a crew ready after each scene to strip them of one skit's clothes, put on the new ones, 

and push them to the next right set. The host is just a vessel that starts to perform when it's told 'you're on.'

there's a feeling of not really choosing anymore, and not having the energy to make up new

ideas about what would feel good. 

and not believing that they will work anyway. 

there's an sense of just taking whatever comes without any effort or ideas. 

Which, in turn, feels like there's a lot less going on.

But there's also still an echoing voice saying you have to come up with things, or you 

will just always feel blah. If you don't 'try' for anything, nothing will feel customized and specifically fulfilling.

Ah the contradictions persist.

Bloggety hesitation

There is a subtle refraining from writing happening because my words are not smart. I read people's blogs out there, and a belief somewhere has formed that I have to be as knowledgeable, back my thoughts up with 'facts' or quotes from 'others' who have already made names for themselves.
I don't have any back up or theories that I have kept references from. It's all just a jumbled stew of things I've read or felt and then tried out for myself, and I very likely won't make much sense when trying to explain.
I have been fairly tongue tied and speechless lately, and it seems that my speech faculties are literally regressing. I am often saying totally different words than I intend to, or am not able to get words out at all.
It appears that I enjoy writing, and it seems there is a different perspective here on things, so I'd like to be able to share even if I'm sloppy, non-linear, not a grammatical wizard, don't have links in my posts, and have no way to back anything up. I'd mostly like to share because I am often searching for writers out there who have thoughts like mine- to feel a kinship- and I so rarely find them. When I do, it's thrilling, and I treasure it, and so appreciate that they take the time to put it out there.
I see how many bloggers share their thoughts and get so hammered by comments from readers. Some writers respond and try to clarify and I am often amazed at their stamina in this regard. I see how it can be helpful to clarify, but I am not sure I have the energy or wherewithall to do it.
I don't know much of anything from moment to moment, so take the slop for whatever it may be to you. :)

Little piece I wrote on my minimalist experience

The story I have in my head is that my mom asked me to clean up my room when I was very young, and I wanted a way to never have to hear that again! I started to clear everything out of my room, and loved sitting in a totally empty closet. I think I only kept going back to trying to ‘decorate’ and fill up a space because so many convinced me it was what you do, especially when you leave home and have your own space. Ultimately though, it never felt natural to me, and I would get so thrilled when I cleared it all out again. Often now, even having a residence feels unnecessary, but I haven’t figured out a satisfying alternative yet. I’ve considered an rv, van, and being a traveling nomad, but none of these quite fits.

I have always valued relationships (including the one with myself) more than anything else, which in some ways has actually made me feel like I was constantly swimming against the current. Yes, everyone has relationships, but to naturally and actually put them before success, work, achieving, being busy; I haven’t found to be that common. I love the intimacy of hanging out all day with someone, just doing mundane things together and being silly and simply living. I figured that the kind of people who love that too wouldn’t think twice if I wore the same thing everyday, or had no sofa to sit on.

For the past couple years, I have felt like I’ve been in a limbo stage because most of the things that ‘mattered’, or rather that I had filled my time up with, no longer drive me. I’m left with a lot of empty days! I love the freedom of this, but there’s so much time, that I wonder if a passion of some sort will ever emerge again, or a way to be useful. There’s not the urgency there once was to “become something/someone”, etc. It’s possible that I have just grown out of the idea of having a ‘direction,’ but some part of me still hasn’t caught up and is continuing to look for one. Plus maybe the city isn’t the optimal place to meet others who just want to enjoy life simply together?

Practically, at the moment, I live in a tiny room in a city, with a shared bathroom and kitchen. I make a living as a musician and can luckily work sporadically and get by, with very simple living/low overhead. This job is also what keeps me in this particular place. I pay relatively low rent, I don’t use air conditioning. I have a twin 3″ futon mattress on a loft above a built-in desk and one little stool. All my clothes are rolled into one shelf (that hangs off the loft) which bring some splashes of color into the room. I also have several hooks on the doors for the few fancier hanging things. I like the idea of making my every day stuff the decor, and also like having everything I own in view, so I don’t use the closet.

I prefer built-in, efficient sparse furniture so that it’s simple to clean the floor. I eat mainly fruit, and raw salad and nuts, so I just have a little manual orange juicer and one spoon, fork and knife and a cutting surface. Don’t ever have to clean a stove! I distill my water with a little distiller (have looked for simpler options like a great self-filtering water bottle, but nothing yet matches the taste and purity of the distiller). 4 pairs of shoes- boots, flip flops, sneakers and heels for gigs. I don’t use soap on my body (all fruit probably helps with no body odor). 2 plants. A laptop which I feel I am on too much, but which holds episodes of shows I like, music (and music I learn for gigs), movies and books.

Thanks everyone for sharing their stories, as it excites me to read and hear about others who live this way!